New Year's Eve 2006: Emo Kid...

LACKING AN INVITE to a decent New Year's Eve bash, and having watched the Discovery Channel all day, Emo Kid is inspired to end the year on a sombre note.

In 2006, Emo Kid...

WE APOLOGISE FOR not bringing you a Christmas comic as such this year. As you know, sometimes things are not as fully functional as we'd like them here at Lame Champion. Fear not. To compensate, we have incorporated just a smidgen of Christmas into this, our New Years comic. 'Better late than never', that's what our characters like to say. Except for Emo Kid, whose favourite word is 'Never' (especially when followed by the word 'Happy').

Say 'Cheese'!

INTRODUCING THE LURCHER and the Three-Legged Cat, sworn arch enemies who, on this occasion, have been forced to enjoy the Christmas proceedings together. Come on now kids, play nice.

My Medical Romance

OH, EMO KID. When will you realise that life doesn't owe you anything? By the way, Noel Fielding wants his trousers back. This cartoon actually has little to no relation to any events in my actual life - OK, little relation. But I'll leave it to you to work out how little. I just found it funny. Don't make me come over there and explain the title!

Miracle Girl: The Becoming

MIRACLE GIRL ISN'T sure what is happening to her! Great things, Miracle Girl, great things, so stand strong my friend. A typical schoolday morning is interrupted by a shocking, yet exciting premonition. Will she reveal the premonition to her friends in the playground? And if she does, and if the consequences are catastrophic, how will she escape the impending doom she will find herself in? Do you like the effect of my manly, Batmanesque superhero voice-over? Tune in next week, same time, same place, to find out!

Talk Show Extraordinaire! (click to enlarge)

LEWIS NEWS SHOOTS off in his time machine to the early 1900s to discover the truth about the working conditions of disabled people. In this installment, it appears that employment rates for disabled people have dramatically declined in our current times.

Introducing Miracle Girl! (click to enlarge)

THE MAKING OF Miracle Girl. As yet a normal young girl, she will soon discover and untap the mysteries of the universe, and her doctors will at last be silenced!

Bike Shop (click to enlarge)

I HAD A flat tire. So I went to a bike shop. This shop dealt with cars as well, so they knew all about wheels I thought. I was in the right place, I thought. So I went up to the guy at the counter. ‘I’ve got a flat tire mate,’ I said. ‘I need some air in my tire and a patch up. Do you do that?’
He put his finger to his chin, gave me a confused look and said, ‘Well normally, yeah… uh, I dunno. We never really see those in here.’
‘What, wheelchairs?’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘You might have to see a specialist.’
‘A wheel specialist?’ I asked. ‘Someone who sees wheels on a daily basis as opposed to just waiting till the inspiration strikes?’
‘No, a medical…’
‘I don’t want a colonic irrigation, just a pumped tire.'
‘OK look,’ he said. ‘Hang on a sec, I’ll have a word with my colleague.’
The guy disappeared into the back room. After a second, he poked his head out of the door and said...

Fat Lot of Priority (click to enlarge)

MY OTHER HALF did this one and I liked it, so I'm putting it up for all to see. One of her major pet peaves: all the people of all shapes and sizes (OK, not ALL shapes and sizes) who clog the lift in the shopping centre because they can't be bothered to use the escalator.

Cast of Characters

Emo Kid
His doctors are rich and he hates them. Emo Kid is invariably seen wearing black. His jet-black fringe leans at precisely the same angle as his trunk muscles.

Job

Stuck in a never ending Job-seeking rut, Job is hoping his luck will one day change. However every single time he thinks he's about to hit the Bigtime, he receives a knock-back of biblical proportions!

Hercule Le One-Man-Band
Hercule always wanted to be the best folk singer in his Provence village. Given his plight, he just couldn’t find the musicians to form a band. But did he let that stop him? Non!

Lewis News
Lewis News knows no bounds! A talk show host by day and a traveller by night, Lewis News, carried by his fantastic time machine, leaves no stone unturned to find the ultimate story about the life experiences of disabled people.

Miracle Girl
She can do anything. What's that you say, anything? YES, ANYTHING. Since astounding her doctors (and transcending mortality), Miracle Girl has been astounding the rest of the world with her magical feats of extraordinary super power! Way to go Miracle Girl!

The Non-Humans
The animals with whom we share our world. Just like ours, their world is riddled with dangers, and to get through just one day is a feat of extraordinary skill and cunning. Don't ever tell the non-humans that they're embarrasingly obvious metaphors for disability. They hate critics, and will most likely bite your leg off. The company of Non-Humans includes the infamous underground political activism group P.O.O.P. (Pigeons Opposed to Oppression and Prejudice)

The Lurcher and the Three Legged Cat
The Lurcher's owners hope that his lanky, slight frame can hold its own against the elements of this world. Will The Lurcher ever defeat the Three Legged Cat, that arch nemesis who will stop at nothing to avenge the loss of his last leg?

The Lurcher and the Three Legged Cat can occasionally be found on street corners re-enacting scenes from Spaghetti Westerns, War Films and buddy flicks (the ones which turn nasty and end up in simultaneous death).