TMNO (Teenage Mutant Ninja Oysters)

LOOK, THE NON-HUMANS are back! You might find this one NON-FUNNY. Oh well. I haven't had much time.

Enjoy,

Mark

Transform, and Roll Out!

TRANSFORMERS IS HERE next Friday, and I'm as excited as a Chevrolet Camaro in transformation phase. This one is pretty self-explanatory - as I sat thinking about Transformers and its associated popcorn-movie awesomeness, the thought suddenly occurred to me, the whole idea of Transformers was just ripe for some Lame Champion-style comedy. This might be a one-off comic, or who knows, if I can't shake off the Transformers (robo)bug, you might end up with fifty. What's that you say? You don't think I could stretch it that far? Just watch me!

Just kidding.

Or am I? Find out next week.

Enjoy,

Mark

Last Taboo

LAME CHAMPION'S BACK, and lamer than ever!

I do apologise for the wait, but thanks for your patience. My life has been all kinds of busy lately, not least because I've managed to land a regular comic strip - 'Independence Dave' - for leading bi-monthly disability magazine Able (http://www.ablemagazine.co.uk/). Feel free to contact them about getting a copy. And hey, if you like 'Dave', why not order a subscription? Alternatively, you'll more than likely be able to get a copy in your local Shopmobility.

Go on, you know you want to. I'm going up in the world, and I haven't even needed to get the elevator.

Mark

Animal

THIS WEEK, WE bring you an Emo Kid episode in glorious Technicolour! Wow, it feels like the glorious age of 1920s cinema all over again! Not that I was part of the glorious age of 1920s cinema, of course. Thanks go to my lovely wife Naz for colouring this one in... I'm contemplating making every comic colourful from here on in. All in favour say 'Aye', or just drop me an e-mail, because the chances are I don't know where you live, and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to hear you saying 'Aye' unless you called me on the phone. And if I don't know you, I'm not sure I'd want you calling me anyway; you might be scary. How do you spell 'Aye' anyway? Answers on a postcard. Or in a comic, if you like, with one answer in each panel - 'Aye'. 'I'. 'Eye'. 'Aaiiiiii'. I'll stop now.

Introducing Job, the Envelope Boy

INTRODUCING YET ANOTHER new character to Lame Champion Comics, 'Job, the Envelope Boy'. Aren't you all lucky! This story is an introduction to the comedy of errors which is Job's attempt at finding, well, a job. Scroll down to the Cast of Characters to find out more. I apologise for the difference in comic size this week. There is a logical explanation, but as they say, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Pigeon-Hole

MY WIFE HAS just finished an essay questioning whether disability rights activism has resulted in a 'movement'. Needless to say, after she finished I nicked all her books and did some reading of my own. A common opinion, according to some sociologists and academics, is that a disability rights movement has not formed completely because, well, disabled people can't physically form political groups, can they? And even if they did give it a go, they don't have a single agenda like the feminists, black or gay rights groups do because there are too many different types of impairments and needs. But most disabled activists themselves argue that there is a movement going on, an underground movement which focusses on our similar experiences and feelings of discrimination and social exclusion. This movement, they say, has nothing to do with impairments, but everything to do with shared experience. The only people who do not see a movement forming are those who don't share that experience. The reason that the academic or sociological (often able-bodied) world do not see a movement forming is their habit of pigeon-holeing disabled people as politically or physically 'unable'. And there, my friends, lies the inspiration for the above comic...

Disabled people? Pigeons? We aren't so different.

Handycap

THIS WEEK I'VE been working hard to the point of exhaustion, and now we're at the end of it I have holiday on the brain. I'll do my best to get a comic up next weekend but I'm away during the week, so can't promise anything. I am planning an extended story involving Hercule Le One Man Band in the near future, so keep your eyes peeled.

Random Comic of the Month: 'Hot Freak!'

MY WIFE HAD the idea of throwing in a 'random comic of the month' - no regular characters, no ongoing storylines, just an off-the-top-of-the-head silly idea. So here it is, Hot Freak! Enjoy.

Underrated

IT'S EMO'S PARTY and he'll cry if he wants to. Left on his lonesome, his only company the chirpy, yet slightly horrific figure of Ronald McDonald, Emo Kid drinks away his Birthday Blues. Relax Mum, it's only strawberry milkshake.

Dark Show Host

LEWIS NEWS GETS a spooky surprise on his live daytime talk show 'Most Afflicted Live'. Nothing is as it seems, apparently. People will do anything for money these days. There are probably a few things which are a bit 'wrong' about this comic. But we wouldn't be Lame Champion if everything on here was completely PC, would we?

Cat People

PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY, REALLY. The Lurcher and the Three Legged Cat getting at each other's throats again. Naz and I love our dog really, it's only a joke. Neither of us are 'cat people' (except for Elizabeth's cats Gin and Tonic!). But all the rest is true, particularly the part about the Lurcher crapping in our garden every five minutes.

Ode To 'Okami'

MY FIRST GAMING comic, this one is an ode to one of my current gaming obsessions, 'Okami'. You play Amaterasu, a Japanese wolf godess intent on destroying some demons and restoring peace to the surrounding villages. One of the primary 'weapons' in the game is the clever 'brush' technique. Basically, you can kill your enemies, and do various other tricks, using the strokes of a Japanese calligraphy brush. So what was once a peaceful medium of beautiful art becomes, well, quite a kick-ass weapon, really. Is Japanese calligraphy a Martial Art? I don't know, but it is in 'Okami', and in this comic!

Hercule Le One Man Band's First Stand

I FELT THAT it was time for a new character, so here he is. Introducing Hercule Le One Man Band, Lame Champion's resident folk singer. In this - his debut appearance, at a small Provence pasta restaurant - Hercule realises that the locals will not be won over as easily as he once thought. C'est la vie, Hercule! Did I forget to mention the guest appearance of The Lurcher in this one, with his little doggy girlfriend? Awww.

My Mixed Up Valentine

THIS WEEK, EMO Kid is on a date with his new-found love Scene Girl! Valentine's day is fast approaching and in the panic, Emo Kid has made an organisational error. Never mind, Kid. Your parents will love you for it, and Scene Girl already knew you were a bit weird. So no harm done.

Hop, Skip, Jump...Spider

OUT FOR A simple Summer hop one day, Cricket lands himself in a bit of a bind and into the sticky grip of a spider's Bum Silk. Cricket's response to his predicament... yep, you guessed it - 'makes us think'. As humans, we spend a lot of our time debating what should be considered bullying, and what is simply stating the truth. The Non-Humans have just as much trouble deciding.

Who is the bully in this one?

Light Lunch in the Abyss

THIS WEEK BRINGS you the first of our 'Non-Humans' comics! Scroll down to the Cast of Characters and find out more about them. Nasty (or sometimes nice) critters which can barely call themselves human (and neither would they want to), their world is full of many trials and snares, yet they survive with varied amounts of Instinct, Skill and Cunning. In the case of Lame Champion Comics, they serve an obvious metaphorical purpose. But as I said before, don't tell them that; they don't like critics, and will most likely bite your leg off.

In Light Lunch in the Abyss (also called 'Deep and Meaningful'), two deep sea Angler Fish are reminded that they need to be alert if they are going to fend for themselves in this life. This comic causes one to ask oneself a question: 'Who will I root for? The little tiny cute guys who wouldn't be out of place in a Pixar movie, or the big, predatory ugly guys with sharp needles for teeth, but a big heart and nothing more than an instinctual need for lunch? Lastly, where would I place myself in this story?'

It's serious. Think about it. That's what the Non-Humans do. Make you guys think about stuff.

Miracle Girl Saves School From Immense Meteorite!

MIRACLE GIRL'S COMING-OF-AGE continues. Whilst the rest of her primary school are content to play football, shoot down slides and jump skipping ropes, Miracle Girl is quiet. And she's busy -busy thinking about the universe and all things infinite. Which is helpful, especially if you are about to be called to become one with all things infinite, and save the school - and the entire universe - from utter catastrophe. Go Miracle Girl!

The Big Emo Diary Room

THERE'S A NEW drawing style this week. I quite like it. I'll keep to this style until I get bored of it (or just frustrated that it takes hours to do - whichever comes first). It seems to herald a new era for Lame Champion Comics. Or something like that.

There is a story behind this one. I'm not sure whether you visited Lame Champion Comics this week. But if you did, you might have noticed I was having a few maintenance problems. Pictures were not uploading. And then when they were, they weren't getting larger when people clicked on them, so I was having e-mails saying 'Hey man, I can't see the comic this week'. And then they weren't aligning right in the blog. It was a mess. Honestly, Blogger.com has Bugs coming out of its ears.

Anyway, all this - coupled with the mess that is Big Brother - inspired me to do this little skit with Blogger.com's latest 'Bug', Emo Kid. I hope you like it.

'Lame Champion' Hijacks Hollywood

THIS WEEK, EMO Kid has found himself in La LaLand. Since the tragic passing of Christopher Reeve, he has landed - with the help of the nice lady at the Job Centre - the role of Hollywood's only physically disabled movie star.

One Wheeled Over the Cuckoo's Nest All Emo Kid wanted to know was what was inside those cuckoo's eggs. Damn that Nurse Ratched!

Pirates of the Carehome Whilst arguments about the political correctness of certain disabled terms fly about like seagulls around a ship's mast, we at Lame Champion decided to throw one in for good measure. See if you can find it. Savvy!

Snakes on a Chair Emo Kid has just had it with those mother***** snakes on his mother***** chair. He has asked to be moved to First Class; apparently there's no room, but he knows it's just that the air hostesses are making out with that murder witness they're stowing up there.

The Kind (guest comic)

ME AND JO from the legendary Infinite Monkeyz webcomic got together and conspired to 'swap' comics this week, and the result is a freakish, bulbous barrel of awesomeness, I think you'll agree. Infinite Monkeyz brings you 'The Kind'. Emo Kid recieves an upgrade: cool wheels, a slicker fringe and.. what does that say in red on Emo Kid's T-Shirt? Prizes for the correct answer. Do check Infinite Monkeyz for my offering of an Infinite Monkeyz comic for your delectation and delight:

http://www.infinitemonkeyz.co.uk/photo.php?photoid=289&albumid=14&page=1

New Year's Eve 2006: Emo Kid...

LACKING AN INVITE to a decent New Year's Eve bash, and having watched the Discovery Channel all day, Emo Kid is inspired to end the year on a sombre note.

In 2006, Emo Kid...

WE APOLOGISE FOR not bringing you a Christmas comic as such this year. As you know, sometimes things are not as fully functional as we'd like them here at Lame Champion. Fear not. To compensate, we have incorporated just a smidgen of Christmas into this, our New Years comic. 'Better late than never', that's what our characters like to say. Except for Emo Kid, whose favourite word is 'Never' (especially when followed by the word 'Happy').

Say 'Cheese'!

INTRODUCING THE LURCHER and the Three-Legged Cat, sworn arch enemies who, on this occasion, have been forced to enjoy the Christmas proceedings together. Come on now kids, play nice.

My Medical Romance

OH, EMO KID. When will you realise that life doesn't owe you anything? By the way, Noel Fielding wants his trousers back. This cartoon actually has little to no relation to any events in my actual life - OK, little relation. But I'll leave it to you to work out how little. I just found it funny. Don't make me come over there and explain the title!

Miracle Girl: The Becoming

MIRACLE GIRL ISN'T sure what is happening to her! Great things, Miracle Girl, great things, so stand strong my friend. A typical schoolday morning is interrupted by a shocking, yet exciting premonition. Will she reveal the premonition to her friends in the playground? And if she does, and if the consequences are catastrophic, how will she escape the impending doom she will find herself in? Do you like the effect of my manly, Batmanesque superhero voice-over? Tune in next week, same time, same place, to find out!

Talk Show Extraordinaire! (click to enlarge)

LEWIS NEWS SHOOTS off in his time machine to the early 1900s to discover the truth about the working conditions of disabled people. In this installment, it appears that employment rates for disabled people have dramatically declined in our current times.

Introducing Miracle Girl! (click to enlarge)

THE MAKING OF Miracle Girl. As yet a normal young girl, she will soon discover and untap the mysteries of the universe, and her doctors will at last be silenced!

Bike Shop (click to enlarge)

I HAD A flat tire. So I went to a bike shop. This shop dealt with cars as well, so they knew all about wheels I thought. I was in the right place, I thought. So I went up to the guy at the counter. ‘I’ve got a flat tire mate,’ I said. ‘I need some air in my tire and a patch up. Do you do that?’
He put his finger to his chin, gave me a confused look and said, ‘Well normally, yeah… uh, I dunno. We never really see those in here.’
‘What, wheelchairs?’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘You might have to see a specialist.’
‘A wheel specialist?’ I asked. ‘Someone who sees wheels on a daily basis as opposed to just waiting till the inspiration strikes?’
‘No, a medical…’
‘I don’t want a colonic irrigation, just a pumped tire.'
‘OK look,’ he said. ‘Hang on a sec, I’ll have a word with my colleague.’
The guy disappeared into the back room. After a second, he poked his head out of the door and said...

Fat Lot of Priority (click to enlarge)

MY OTHER HALF did this one and I liked it, so I'm putting it up for all to see. One of her major pet peaves: all the people of all shapes and sizes (OK, not ALL shapes and sizes) who clog the lift in the shopping centre because they can't be bothered to use the escalator.

Cast of Characters

Emo Kid
His doctors are rich and he hates them. Emo Kid is invariably seen wearing black. His jet-black fringe leans at precisely the same angle as his trunk muscles.

Job

Stuck in a never ending Job-seeking rut, Job is hoping his luck will one day change. However every single time he thinks he's about to hit the Bigtime, he receives a knock-back of biblical proportions!

Hercule Le One-Man-Band
Hercule always wanted to be the best folk singer in his Provence village. Given his plight, he just couldn’t find the musicians to form a band. But did he let that stop him? Non!

Lewis News
Lewis News knows no bounds! A talk show host by day and a traveller by night, Lewis News, carried by his fantastic time machine, leaves no stone unturned to find the ultimate story about the life experiences of disabled people.

Miracle Girl
She can do anything. What's that you say, anything? YES, ANYTHING. Since astounding her doctors (and transcending mortality), Miracle Girl has been astounding the rest of the world with her magical feats of extraordinary super power! Way to go Miracle Girl!

The Non-Humans
The animals with whom we share our world. Just like ours, their world is riddled with dangers, and to get through just one day is a feat of extraordinary skill and cunning. Don't ever tell the non-humans that they're embarrasingly obvious metaphors for disability. They hate critics, and will most likely bite your leg off. The company of Non-Humans includes the infamous underground political activism group P.O.O.P. (Pigeons Opposed to Oppression and Prejudice)

The Lurcher and the Three Legged Cat
The Lurcher's owners hope that his lanky, slight frame can hold its own against the elements of this world. Will The Lurcher ever defeat the Three Legged Cat, that arch nemesis who will stop at nothing to avenge the loss of his last leg?

The Lurcher and the Three Legged Cat can occasionally be found on street corners re-enacting scenes from Spaghetti Westerns, War Films and buddy flicks (the ones which turn nasty and end up in simultaneous death).

Cream? (click to enlarge)

THIS IS QUITE a common occurance. My wife and I will be out on a date I will order a coffee/food/cinema ticket, and the checkout person will reply not to me, but to my wife. I'm not sure whether they think I'm a child being trained to make an order and the first sentence is as far as I've got; 'I'll take over now dear, I'm not sure you're ready to extend this to a conversation.' Maybe they think I'm a disabled kid being taken on an occupational therapy excursion and my wife is my carer. (We'll return to this theme in future comics.) Maybe they think I've got some degenerative disease in which I can utter a first sentence, but any more than that and it tires me out too much. I don't know. Whatever it is, my wife and I sometimes like to have a joke about it, and sometimes in front of said checkout person... like so...

Rampway to Heaven (click to enlarge)

THE AGE-OLD CLICHE, of course, purports that the stairway is God's chosen method to get us Upstairs. If this is true, I am screwed.

University College Hospital (click to enlarge)

BASED ON A real hospital appointment I had in which the doctor asked me 'Do you ever get down?' I said, 'Well yeah, I've been down, but hasn't everyone? I'm not sure that's got anything to do with my disability.' The doctor said 'You'd be surprised. It probably has a lot to do with it.' I shrugged. Well OK doc, if you say so. I haven't read your textbooks after all, so you might be right. He then proceeded to ask me the exact questions you see before you in the comic. Timing is essential when writing a comic joke, they say. But surely it's better if life itself offers you a joke without you having to make any effort. You'll find a lot of that here. My life is a joke and I like it that way.

Zoo Exhibit (click to enlarge)

DO YOU EVER walk around the zoo wondering what the animals are thinking when they're staring at you? My wife and I live in 'Hillingdon Zoo' and we get over it by grabbing a gingerbread latte from Starbucks and disappearing into 'Books Etc.'

Nobody (click to enlarge)

THIS IS A difficult subject, so bare with me while I try to explain it. I'm sure we have all felt like a 'Nobody' from time to time. As if no-one in this world listens to us. As if no-one in this world has any time to hear what we really have to say. Well, this comic was inspired by the fact that I've never seen a tree fall down in the woods. I'd love to see that.

Introducing Emo Kid (click to enlarge)

THERE SEEMS TO be a hierarchy of complaint in this world. You've got the third world at the bottom: often, the people found in the poorest, most depraved countries will be the least likely to complain about life. Well actually, ants are at the bottom, because they keep getting stepped on in their millions and they never complain. Anyway, the hierarchy goes up and up and up, until you get to the Emo bands who are near the top. And these bands are as rich as a Pacific tanker of Welsh Rarebit mix, yet their songs are all about how best to kill yourself, whether it's best for the blade to go vertically or horizontally over the wrist... you get the idea. And I wrestle with the question 'As a disabled person, how much right do I have to complain about my life?' And I conclude not much, really. My life is pretty flipping sweet. But I do wish I was as rich as My Chemical Romance.